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the metaphorical use of; “shit.”

June 6, 2012

There’s a lot of different beliefs people use to navigate their relationship with the planet, a few minutes ago I was thinking about these, so, for entertainment, im going to use the metaphor of shit to suss it out.

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“In the middle of a village, in the middle of the path, is a pile of excrement. It stinks, is stopping the women getting to the village well, and if left causes disease and a horrific death for all….

Heres how our global community responds…..”:

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The village elders;  “Hey cool, shit, lets use that to grow stuff, then we can eat.”

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Local men;  “Women…  move that shit.”

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Local women; “Bloody men, we’d better move that shit or we’ll get beaten.”

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Kids; “ewwwwww.”

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Young people;  “Shut up, watching TV”

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Local dictator; “Complain about that shit and ill kill you, if you grow anything its mine. My eighth child now owns your village.”

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Local warlord; “Give me your children.”

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 America;-(corporate) “They have shit, lets invade then get them to pay us to rebuild the village. Quick before China does… look… weapons of mass destruction, terrorists, we have no choice.”

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America;-(some) “Shiiiittt…… you mean there’s another country?”

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America;(idealists) “Oh my god! this is shit! we must go there and fix it… mobilise to change our government!”

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American Media; “Here, here’s American Idol. In other news… be scared of everything… buy a gun/liposuction/car/insurance/makeup/alcohol/political party/subscription/medication, FEAR!!

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China; “They have shit, lets build a road there, give the leaders a few yuan to stabilise the village, then colonise permanently and mine, before America does.

Lock those dissidents up before they cause some shit.”

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Europe; “They have shit, we’re busy, lets send a little money and talk about this. Investment anyone?”

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Africa; “It’s dwende, well look out for each other, it’s all we’ve got, those fuckers are trying to kill us.”

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Australia; “Quick, I’ve one house, lets dig more holes in our country so we can buy beer and go to Bali… Someone get rid of those refugees.”

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Modernism; “This is why we must industrialize.”

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Post Modernism; “It’s impossible to tell if there’s shit there or not, let’s get funding and talk about it.”

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Christianity; “Jesus loves you, lets pray for that shit to go away.”

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Islam; “Biadh Allah, (It’s in the hands of God) I tithe anyway.

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Buddhism; “Don’t be attached to that shit, im so compassionate im detached.”

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Hindu; “It’s your karma to die shittily, I’ve no compassion. If it gets in my way, i’ll get an untouchable to move it.”

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Judaism; “Stop being anti-Semitic, we’re in a shit situation here.”

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Modern Western Shamanism; “Anyone seen the mushrooms? hang on mushrooms grow from shit, those people must be spiritually enlightened.”

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New Age Belief; “That shit isn’t part of my world, if you die in agony, you manifested it for yourself and I have no interest because im manifesting abundance for myself, die quietly, you’re so negative. Anyone seen my organic fair trade latte? I have a drumming workshop to attend.”

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Doctors wives; “I sent money, its terrible whats happening.”

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UN; “Stop that shit, or we’ll draft a resolution, vote about it, file it, and pay soldiers millions to sit off to the side somewhere.”

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UNESCO; “Give us your children, it’s for the best.”

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McDonalds; “Try the new McHappy meal, with bonus McToy.”

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World Bank;  “Have a loan to shift that shit, we own you now. Start diggin up your shit for us, thats first on our agenda.”

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Hippies; “Whoo hoo ive got this new pair of glasses, lets fly to a party! I’m going to have an open relationship with the first person I meet because traditional cultures are stupid and know nothing about life.”

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Mainstream Music; “Tits, Ass, Money, I’m the shit be like me, Tits, Ass, Money, I’m the shit be like me, Tits, Ass, Money, I’m the shit be like me.”

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Alternative music; “Idolize me, im the shit! Im amazing because I say things scientists said fifty years ago.”

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Comedy; “Isn’t it funny how there’s a pile of shit there… and not here.”

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Everyday People; “I care, its shit, but I have kids, sorry.”

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Environmentalists; “The apocalypse has been and gone, now we wait, please for gods sake stop them mining Uranium.”

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Scientists and Academics; “Here’s how it all works and here’s what we should do. Peers;,”let’s do more research on this shit. -(all in obscure journal)”

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Politicians; “It’s the other party’s fault, elect us.”

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Political Activists; “It’s the politicians fault. (poli= of the people, tics=blood sucking parasites)”

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Sociologists: “It’s structural.”

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Psychologists: “Your all ill.”

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Positive Psychologists: “You can thrive on shit.”

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Indigenous Peoples; “This shit? it’s in prophecy, please open your heart and listen.”

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Other Indigenous Peoples: “Come here and we will eat you or spear you.”

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Kids of indigenous people; “Like my Nike’s? they’re the shit.”

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Global Corporations; “We give .00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of our profits to support this shit, and .0000001%  to promote the fact that we do.

No.. No…. we didn’t dump that shit there, if you say we did again, you will hear from our lawyers.”

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Youth of the world; “This is shit, let’s go earn money so we can have a life of consumerism.”

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Idealistic youth of the world; “You fuckers!! You stole our future, and left us in a big pile of shit we can’t fix, hurry up and die so we can take over.”

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Rednecks; “Fucking (insert racial slur) hope they die from that shit.”

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Milleniumists; “Don’t worry about them or the shit they are in, 2012 is coming we are all going to a) die b) become spiritually enlightened c) be manipulated by the media into remaining docile while genocide occurs. Some guy completely off his face on drugs said it… and referenced an obscure comment in an ancient tile from a six hundred year old toilet from Thailand, it must be true.”

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Facebook; “What do you mean we were created and funded by the US government? don’t you know it was that kid, in that movie? Here fill out this form, it’s the best way to contact us, honestly it doesn’t go straight to trash.

So how exactly did you know that person? Where did you study? Here, join a group about legalizing dope, we don’t keep records of all your emails and comments.”

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Inventors; “Here’s a way we can fix this shit!” Rich folks;  “cool!! patented… now we own that, send someone to kill him/her.”

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Monsanto: “You need to spray with poison, try some ddt, it goes well with pcb’s. Oh, and grow this plant/bacteria/jellyfish/virus corn, it’s totally safe for us for you to eat it.”

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Quantum physicists: “No you bloody hippy, that metaphor isn’t how it is, we just use it because we havent got a clue what we are looking at and its a useful way to talk about the maths were using.  Not only that, you’re talking about a completely different subject altogether.”

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Dawkins: “I hate religions, they caused all this shit.”

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Religions; “Shit, bloody atheists.”

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Teachers; “Sit up straight and look at the board (little shits)”

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Heres what our mytho-poetics have to say:

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Extraterrestrials; “What the! Shit, these people are fucking crazy.”

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Planet Earth; “Silly children.”

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Father sun; “Meh…”

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Dante; “The darkest circles of hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.”

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as I’m living in Australia…

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My local Aboriginal landowners; “If you want to be happy and you want to fulfil the spiritual laws, it’s all about what you give back.”

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Nice Quote hanging on my wall;

“We are visitors on this planet.  We are here for ninety or one hundred years at the very most.  During that period, we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives.  If you contribute to other people’s happiness, you will find the true goal, the true meaning of life.”

 

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From → Rant

One Comment
  1. Susan permalink

    I this this is the funniest you’ve ever been…and I know it isn’t funny. LOL…loved it.

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